How To Forgive Yourself For All The Things You Never Became

Now that we are over 50, sometimes we can feel like we have missed out on some of our dreams. There are things many of us are disappointed about not having done or accomplished in life. It can be tough to come to grips with our feelings sometimes. After all, we are inundated with television and movie images (not to mention Facebook posts) of the strong willed defiantly asserting, “I did it my way, and I have no regrets.” Or, “If I had it all over to do again, I wouldn’t have changed a thing.” Who are these people and why are they so different than me?

We may not always be honest with ourselves, but we all have some regrets at one time or another. If we live long enough (and being over 50 qualifies) we all make mistakes and missteps. I should’ve worked harder, I should’ve taken that job in Albuquerque, I should’ve told him or her how I really felt, I should’ve finished that novel… It can be hard to forgive ourselves for all the things we have not become. It can even become debilitating for some of us. But there is good news, it is never too late to forgive ourselves. It is never too late to start over and follow our dreams.

The Difference Between Regret and Guilt

There is a difference between regret and guilt. Both are natural parts of life. Neither are signs of weakness nor something that we should be ashamed of. Guilt is feeling bad or responsible because of something we have done, while regret is feeling bad about what might have been…or who we might have become

Regret is sometimes beneficial. We can use regret to fuel our desire for change and make us better people. Many people who are successful in life have experienced regret at some point in their lives, but they have learned from it and moved on. They don’t let it consume them or stop them from achieving their goals.

In fact, regret can be a healthy motivator for future success. We all make mistakes; no one is perfect! It’s important that we remember this  so we don’t beat ourselves up too much. We should aim to learn from regret (and guilt) and move forward positively into our future goals.

So How Do We Forgive Ourselves?

Self-forgiveness is a practice that involves understanding and accepting the mistakes and decisions that we have made. It is about developing the ability to be compassionate and kind to ourselves. It doesn’t necessarily mean that we accept past bad behavior, but rather accepting ourselves as human and that we are deserving of happiness.

People who are engaged in self-forgiveness as a practice are more likely to be happy, less anxious, and less depressed. They also have higher levels of self-compassion and self-esteem.

It is important to reiterate that self-forgiveness means accepting ourselves, not the behavior we regret or feel guilty about.  That includes missed opportunities to become what we wanted. We try to accept that actions and consequences occurred and that we are willing to move forward, making amends if at all possible. We move forward because this is the best choice and because we can’t change the past. Now, I wouldn’t necessarily go so far as my Uncle D.R. He used to say “3 peas in a bucket, spill it, f*$*k it.”  Notwithstanding the rawness of his quote, what he meant was, sooner or later, you are going to get over it–whatever it is. So, he reasoned, you might as well get over it sooner rather than later, or “3 peas” for short. I think you get the point.

Be easy on yourself, its hard out there. We can’t let regret or lack of self-forgiveness stop us from living a full life today and tomorrow. We have to acknowledge those feelings and focus on how far we have come instead of what could have been different if only… We can forgive ourselves by looking back at our past decisions with an open mind and understanding why we made them at that time. Sometimes the answer is we were stupid or immature. Hey, it happens…to everyone. This helps us make better decisions going forward while also allowing us to forgive ourselves. So, how do we move forward, putting regret for what we haven’t’ become behind us? Here are a few suggestions.

1. Tell the people who matter, you love them. Let your friends and family know that you love them. Love is the best thing in life. We need to let our loved ones know how much they mean to us every day. No one knows what will happen tomorrow, so express feelings, while we have time. Our relationships grow and become stronger as a result.

2. Follow your own dreams. It is no fun spending our lives doing something we don’t want to do. Take heed that you are not alone, but it’s time to reclaim our lives, dreams and ambitions. Follow what makes you happy, you deserve it!

Ah, but we are over 50 and way too old for such foolishness, or are we? Ask these folks:

—-Duncan Hines. You probably have his cake mix in your pantry, but did you know Hines wasn’t much of cook? He was a traveling salesman and spent so much time on the road that his first foray into his new business was publishing a guide to good restaurants. He eventually parlayed that into the familiar baking brand. He started his new culinary career at 55.

—-Grandma Moses. I include her story because Anna Mary Moses didn’t even pick up a paintbrush until she was 78 years old! Today her paintings appear on Hallmark greeting cards and one even hangs in the White House.

—-Gene Hackman, Morgan Freeman, Christoph Waltz. Academy award-winning actors, who didn’t find widespread success until they were in their fifties.

You get the picture. Many people will tell you to measure dollars and cents before following your dreams, but just for a second, consider also measuring sanity, love, and knowledge of what you want to do. That’s how this blog site you are reading was born.

3. Don’t leap without looking. But, do leap. Take calculated risks, but take risks. Everyone has dreams and passions that they want to pursue. But sometimes it can be difficult to take the first step or to start over.

We have only one life, there are no mulligans. If we don’t take risks, then nothing will happen and our dreams will never come true. We need to bet on ourselves and believe in our own abilities.

Looking for new ways to grow and learn, even if it is outside of out comfort zone, is essential to change and to doing what we really want to do. It’s easy to stay in our comfort zone and do what we know. But, growth happens in the spaces outside of our comfort zone. Identify just one way each day to move outside the familiar comfort zone and take the risks needed to propel forward and achieve a fuller, more gratifying life.

4. Be kind to yourself. Not surprisingly, being kind to ourselves can be difficult. From a young age we are taught to be tough and self-reliant, showing no weakness, and to just work harder if things aren’t going our way. This is so pervasive, that many of us feel guilty for even taking a day off. But our well-being is important to our physical and mental health, and some times even WE must recharge. Get adequate sleep and rest.

As important as recharging, we have to stop comparing ourselves to other people. Everyone has a different path and taking time to recognize and reflect on this, is an important component of being kind to ourselves.

Teddy Roosevelt said comparison is the thief of joy. The quote is a great reminder to pay attention to our own path, no matter what other people are doing. It’s easy to compare ourselves and our lives with others, but we should strive for self-compassion and not go down rabbit holes of negativity or jealousy.

Everybody deserves kindness and forgiveness, even ourselves. It is natural to dwell on past mistakes. We regret what we did and what we didn’t do. We wish that we could have done things differently. But dwelling on the past doesn’t help us. The best way to move forward is to forgive ourselves, put regret behind us, and focus on what we can do now. Enjoy the lesson in Jearilyn Steele’s The Day Is Short.

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